this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
