I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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