Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
