Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
