I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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