Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
The beer is more important than you right now.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
you never un-have a 4some
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
