Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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