He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
