The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
