he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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