You really coming over, don't trick.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
