I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
