I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
