My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
