no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
