Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
