I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
