I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
