At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
