in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
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