You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
