i think my mom watched the whole time
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you will always have a special place in my vag
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
