I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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