i'm signing you up for texting rehab
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I look better un-naked...
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
