dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
