His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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