My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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