I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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