I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
