how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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