she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
