i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Sorry my hands just texted you
I didn't notice because vodka
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
