What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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