He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
