so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
