I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
