Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
