chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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