You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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