Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
