I wish i was in the wii world.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
