She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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