she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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