There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
