My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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