Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
