all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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