Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
