Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Found the puke drawer
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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