So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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