what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Semen is not good for contacts.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
